‘Twas the night before Christmas on Sauciehall Street
The advent calendars had been emptied, long devoid of sweet treats;
Not a creature was sober, not even a mouse
As the two single flat mates stumbled into their house.
With dreams of the New Year and a clean slate
We fell asleep with the hope that the morning would come minus headaches;
My flatmate in her room, and I on the couch,
we’d just settled our brains for a short drunken nap.
When from my iPhone there came a vibrate and buzz,
with a half-eye open I looked to see who it was.
The object of my affection had just texted me, a day late a buck short – why couldn’t it be anyone other than he?
I arose from the couch, looking out to the street
the rain was still pouring, and now turning to sleet.
“Was he out there?” I thought. “Stuck in the rain?”
“Thinking of me now?” Naw, just drunk and lame.
I opened the message, and what should appear?
Not a sweet drunk text – but just as I’d feared.
I could picture him saying each and every damn word,
With a slur, none the less, he’d blame his issues on past burds.
If I’d had the sense earlier, I’d have bought more wine
Instead of drinking it then – I’d have saved a bottle for such a time.
To Google I went, to look up dial-a-drink
At this point I needed a bit more alcohol to think.
An hour passed and our buzzer rang startling me so
Half asleep I rose to collect my wine from the street below.
We sat, two single ladies, drinking alcohol for an exorbitant fine.
Sharing stories and fags, honestly not a bad time.
With a good friend to console you, and to share in the grief
On such nights I’ve found it a comforting relief.
While the life of a single during the holidays is not always grand
It’s often less complicated than when spent with a man.
About this version
The original version of this poem was written by Clement Clarke Moore and inspired by Saint Nicholas and a snowy winter’s day. This rendition was inspired by my single lifestyle in Glasgow on Sauciehall Street and a text message from an idiot received at an ungodly hour of the morning.